August 2003 Archives

Rather than dwelling on political topics, I would like to return attention to mining gems from the vocabulary of English that may be employed to add sparkle to any debate. Last week we initiated a program of review of terms of abuse, which I propose to continue through consideration of the fine word cunctator, along with the related words cunctation and cunctative. As with pismire, much of the appeal in these words lies in their pronounciations.

Properly speaking, a cunctator is simply a person engaging in delay or procrastination. This behavior would normally give little scope for insult, regardless of the supposed sinfulness of sloth. However, the word cunctator possesses a ringing sound that conveys powerful, if erroneous, associations to native speakers of English. This allows us to damn delaying behavior as cunctative with significantly more vituperative force than when employing alternate terms, such as dilatory. One feels that whereas a procrastinator shows human weakness, a cunctator is practically a moral degenerate. At least, such a feeling exists if one isn't sure of the meaning of the word, and happily this term is rare enough that most people have no idea what it means.

Our first example is taken from the pages of the tawdry thriller Glottal Stop, in which detective Joe Violent is explaining the results of his investigation to his client, the chantootsie Frieda Frick (nee Frikativna):

"I'm afraid I have bad news for you, toots," I said, looking at my shoes. "I know why Jimbo doesn't come around anymore."

She was sitting on the edge of the sofa, trembling, an embroidered hankerchief knotted in her hands. I looked up to meet her eyes, black and red and fearing the worst. She swallowed. "Go on," she said.

"He's a cunctator," I said. She gasped. I opened the envelope and spread the pictures out on the coffee table. "It's all here in the pictures. The guy takes twenty minutes to walk a block, what with reading ads, window shopping, and stopping in every joint on the way for a cup of coffee or a beer. He's hopeless."

I looked to see how she was doing. She was taking it pretty hard, sitting rigidly as she stared at the pictures. Swallowing back tears, she managed, "He's, he's, one of those?"

"Yeah," I said. "What mystifies me is how he could have ever had it together enough to start anything with a knockout like you." It was a cheap pass, but in my line of business, you can't afford to let opportunities slip by.

"He's changed," she said. "At first, everything was perfect, and then he kept suggested we do… things together. Like showing up at the movies twenty minutes after the show has started, or keeping out library books for months on end. I did them, I loved him! I thought it was just a phase… Oh my God! A cunctator! I feel… dirty."

"It's a tough break all right," I said, "but you'll be fine. It's not contagious, as far as the doctors can tell. You still work regularly, right?"

"Of course," she said, her eyes wide and frightened.

"Then you've got nothing to worry about, except settling your bill in a timely fashion," I said. I told myself that a hard line was the best medicine, even though every fiber of my body wanted to take her in my arms. I decided that the sweet stuff could wait, maybe forever.

Our next example shows how cunctator may be used to unbalance an interlocutor and evoke an inappropriately emotional response. This tactic can be a source of immense satisfaction.

The Press: Senator, can you elaborate on your plans to bring your defense spending proposals in line with expected revenues?
Sen. Bumpus: I'm afraid it would be premature to comment on these matters. The budget office has yet to provide final numbers to my committee.
The Press: Yes, but isn't it unlikely for the final estimates to be very different from the preliminary estimates?
Sen. Bumpus: Since the estimates are not final, discussion of this matter is simply premature.
The Press: There are those who would construe your reticence as little more than cunctation.
Sen. Bumpus: I beg your pardon?
The Press: Several parties in the administration have labeled you a notorious cunctator.
Sen. Bumpus: This is outrageous! I have never stooped to personal attacks in my campaigns, and I will be damned if I'm going to allow this blatant libel. I demand to know your sources! Which of those slimy hacks has dared to call my manhood into question? This interview is over!

When employing these terms, it is important to recognize so-called 'false friends,' words that sound similar but possess very different meanings. One such word is cunctipotent, which sounds particularly fearsome. It is a synonym for omnipotent and is recommented for usage in prayers and dialogues such as the following:

The Lady: And another thing, you may be taking Viagra, but you are far from cunctipotent!
The Genilman: Jesus, baby!
The Lady: Exactly.

I hope that you will not delay in utilizing these words at the earliest opportunity. The language will be the richer for it.

It is with great regret that recent work at The Glob Political Action Wing has resulted in a lapse of our publication schedule. To make amends, we have licensed beyond-the-state-of-the-art technology from the Celestial Sentinel Corporation to allow us to retroactively publish items for the last few days. This technology is nothing short of miraculous, as our partners at Celestial Sentinel assure us that all of our regular readership will have already read the items in question once publication has been made via their patented RetroSocket (tm) connections to the internet.

We shall have more to say about the good work that Celestial Sentinel makes possible at a later time. Do not be alarmed if you find that you already know all about it: that is simply their technology at work for your convenience.

VOTED

The Glob Political Action Wing has been debating the question of what measures will be required when the California recall election is over. The controversy has been fearsome, as representatives from around the Golden State exhausted the art of rhetoric and proceeded to employ the sweet science in order to score points. After gens d'armes were summoned in order to separate the combatants, a consensus was achieved in the final plenary session. I quote from the minutes:

Whereas, there is currently a governor of the State of California who has been certified worthy of the recall process, and

Whereas, at the conclusion of the recall process, there will be a governor of the State of California, materially or theoretically subject to the same faults and/or deficiencies as the current Governor, it is

Voted, a Permanent Committee to Recall the Governor is to be established, with membership open to the general populace of the State of California.

As the representative from Vacaville noted in his stirring address from the floor, the challenges faced by California in the twenty-first century require the ability to rapidly deploy expertise. One month, the state could be racked with a crisis over its bond ratings, and the next it could be faced with a cross-border dispute on the water resources required for avocado husbandry. It is ludicrous to imagine that a single person could be qualified to serve as chief executive overseeing the resolution of the full spectrum of problems facing the state, especially given the incredible time pressures introduced by the pace of our economy. Lacking an omnicompetent candidate, what is needed is a set of candidates for the governorship that can be removed and installed according to public needs.

The recall provisions in the state constitution enable us to implement this scheme today: By mounting a perpetual series of campaigns to recall the governor, whomever it might be at the time, the Permanent Committee to Recall the Governor affords the electorate a timely means of installing the most qualified person for the job. A regular schedule of recall elections is vastly preferable to waiting four years to swap out our chief executive. We must be able to apply the right expertise to the problems at hand, or risk failure due to incompetence.

In metaphorical terms, the ship of state does not always require a strong hand at the tiller, because at different times the ship of state is an Atlas rocket, a Mack truck, an electric tram, a container ship, a pneumatic capsule, a hot-air balloon, a Boeing widebody jet, an M1-A2 Abrams main battle tank, or a VW Microbus with tie-dyed curtains and an incense burner. In some of these situations, a strong hand on the tiller could result in an unscheduled stop, rapid descent, collateral damage, spilled coffee, cabin depressurization, a nasty bruise, or the unauthorized discharge of a weapon of war. We cannot gamble with the future of California: the governor must serve at the pleasure of the people if we are to have any chance at happiness.

The Committee is currently taking nominations for a stable of special-purpose candidates that can be trotted out when the next recall election comes around. Each candidate should have a speciality that commends him or her to the governor's office in a certain range of situations. If you have a candidate that you would like to submit for consideration, please send the candidate's resume with a $20 handling fee to External Secretary, The Permanent Committee to Recall the Governor, care of this column. Please note that submissions cannot be returned.

The Geek Chorus: Still there, dood?
Myself: Yes?
The Geek Chorus: So I was checking out Fiendster, and it's got some pretty cool functionality, even though the UI sucks, and I was wondering if I could add generic enemies.
Myself: I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
The Geek Chorus: Well, if I've got someone by name, I can add them as an enemy using the Create Enemy wizard, no problem. But what if I wanted to create an enmity with, like, an institution, or an office?
Myself: I see. Have you read the FAQ?
The Geek Chorus: Er, no.
Myself: Please consult the answer to Question 26, which deals with the creation of virtual enemies. I think that you will find this feature adequate for your needs.
The Geek Chorus: Awesome, dood! I'll check it out.
Myself: You're welcome.

My discorporate correspondent has finally hailed me again, via notepad. I have normalized the spelling of the following note from the original 1337.

well boss i'm sad
to report your network
is full of worms
and that antivirus daemon
really isn't worth
what you paid for it
it has a serious aversion
to cleaning windows
which is the whole damn point
of the enterprise
it seems to me

i talked to one of
the little guys yesterday
as it was trying
to crawl out of
a lump of spam
it had some interesting views
on existence

it turns out that these worms
are religious fanatics
each one a prophet
sent by its creator
to preach the gospels
of enlarging your nigeria
or lengthening your money

the worm crawled up
on the lump of spam
and delivered a fiery sermon
in a high squeaky voice
on the power of viagra
to attract women via email
and make millions
with only your social security number
and mother's maiden name

i interrupted to protest
that it was being awfully materialistic
for an immaterial construct
and before it could reply
i popped it in a bit bucket
with all the other worms
squeaking their own pitches

i'm taking a break
from the new economy for a while
and going fishing
                       4rch33

Continuing our review of useful words that have been unjustly neglected, we will examine a few words that may be employed to abuse friends, neighbors, and passers-by in a tasteful, classic fashion. These terms have been culled from the extensive vocabulary utilized by subscribers to the Fiendster system, presented in the previous feature. If you have not already signed up for a Fiendster account, I urge you to do so. Our subscriber base already contains thousands of satisfied users, many of whom are no doubt inimical to your interests. Do not underestimate the satisfaction of seeing a nicely-rendered network of enemies arrayed against you: ignorance is far from bliss in matters of import.

Our first word is pismire. This is simply an older term for the common ant, but it has the advantage of sounding far more foul. It can be used as a simple epithet, or in conjunction with intensifying adjectives, in a wide variety of social situations.

The Genilman: C'mere baby.
The Lady: Do I know you?
The Genilman: Baby, don't be like that. Gimme some sugar.
The Lady: Unhand me, you insolent pismire!

This excellent word is equally applicable to serious intellectual and political debate.

The Press: Senator, are you personally disappointed that the Bumpus-Razorback bill died in committee?
Sen. Bumpus: I certainly had been looking forward to a full debate on the merits of this measure on the Senate floor, but rest assured that I will redraft the bill in time for the next Congressional session. We will not be deterred in granting the citizens of this country protection from the horrors of forced education.
The Press: So the fight isn't over, Senator?
Sen. Bumpus: Over? Far from it. The intellectual pismires of academe may have won the first round, but their opposition will prove short-lived and ultimately futile. The children of our nation must be free - free to leave school and go to work when the family, the precious, nuclear family that we hold sacred, sees fit. No government has a right to meddle in basic family economic affairs.
The Press: Thank you, Senator.

If you wish, you can also apply this term to the colonial insects that habitually infest gardens and lawns, although it seems slightly unfair. I don't imagine that E. O. Wilson of Harvard would have been quite as successful with his compedious survey of ant species if he had happened to title the volume The Pismires. Science's loss is our gain, at least in this case.

Despite some recent good news, it is difficult to take a long look at the current economic situation without resorting to the flask. In an attempt to find a new means of stimulating growth, analysts at The Glob Ventures Group have been mulling on the business opportunities inherent in uncomfortable truths about human nature. Their task is difficult: all of the principal human vices are unfortunately being exploited to the limits of their productive capacity, and there is fierce competition from all quarters to promote new vicious pastimes. However, a comparative study of radio programs in the AM band has established that people will be people, which means that they will loathe a certain proportion of their fellow humans and be loathed in return. The problem facing most folks is keeping track of their enemies in a robust, scalable fashion. After all, everyone needs to keep friends close and enemies closer. It is altogether too easy to lose track of important, undying enmities given the pace of modern life, which inevitably leads to embarrassment.

Seizing on this problem, The Glob Ventures Group contracted with technologists at Glob Labs to pioneer a solution. After the investment of considerable sums and man-years of effort, we are proud to announce the availability of Fiendster, a simple, yet powerful, Web-based service that allows you to keep track of your enemies from anywhere you happen to be. The Fiendster system, now in limited release, is far superior to the traditional means of maintaining awareness of your enemies. For example, think of the wall space currently devoted to all those pictures of people you could do without. Think of how many attractive photo calendars you could be displaying instead, not to mention the storage space you'll recover from disposing of all those effigies in your to-be-burned pile.

Simply log into Fiendster and enter the personal details of those persons whose existence is most threatening to your own. The system will match these profiles with profiles entered by other subscribers, and you will immediately see a network of people who have enemies in common with you. In accordance with the proverb 'an enemy of my enemy is my friend', you could utilize this information in pursuit of building friendships of convenience. However, the Fiendster FAQ strongly advises against being optimistic in this matter, as our subscribers tend to be of a suspicious and vindictive disposition. Rather, think of the enemies of your enemies as potential pawns, to be used and sacrificed as circumstances demand. That's the Fiendster way!

Glob Labs is working diligently to bring the Fiendster service to a quality level adequate for general release, but there have been setbacks. A conspiracy hatched among members of the beta test group against certain product managers resulted in a few hospitalizations, resulting in lost time and a modicum of litigation. In addition, we are pained to discover that the logical domain name for our service has been hijacked to promote an inferior product. Rest assured that we will not be deterred by these difficulties. We shall not rest until the benefits of Fiendster are available to the world. In the meantime, The Glob Ventures Group is making a sale of equity in the venture in anticipation of the official launch. Don't miss this opportunity to invest in the latest internet phenomenon! Write for a prospectus to Investor Relations, The Glob Ventures Group, care of this column.

Today I was disappointed to find that my mysteriously disembodied correspondent did not utilize the notepad program I kept running overnight. No doubt this is a relief to many of our readers, who have begun to complain about the amount of hacked-together material in this feature. Reaching into my mailbag at random, I find the following letter:

Editor, The Glob:-

Is it really necessary to litter your column with references to 'computerese' in order to suggest some feeble semblance of being sympatico or 'down with' the youth of today? As someone who prefers to avoid touching a computer as much as possible, I am distressed to see the culture of computer users promoted in such an insidious fashion. I would almost expect to find such claptrap in our public schools, staffed as they are by pedogogues and other degenerates, but I strongly object to seeing this filth in a periodical of wide distribution.

The computer represents the single greatest threat to the morality of our children and the metastability of the nuclear family. I hope that you will take this criticism to heart and realize the error of your ways. It is never too late to apologize. I am a loyal reader of long standing, and I would rather not be forced to cancel my subscription.

Sincerely yours,
Bashful In Finding Fault

P.S. My eleven-year-old son asked me to send along the following message: "J00 TH1NK J00 R 3|_337 H4X0R? W3 W1|_|_ 0WNZ0R J00, N00B!" I'm not sure what it means, but I'm sure that I needn't remind you to 'suffer the little children.' --BIFF

I am quite shocked to detect such a strong vein of technophobia in my readership. Computing technology has enabled tremendous advances in such critical segments of human existence as shopping, dating, and wasting time, and there is nothing to fear from the computer per se. A computer is simply a well-organized lump of inert matter that consumes a moderate amount of electricity in order to heat an office in comfort. As an added bonus, it performs computations.

The Geek Chorus: Dood, this is so funny I forgot to laugh.
Myself: Sit down and be quiet. This presentation is all for your benefit.

There is a well-developed theory of computation that exactly describes what it is that a computer is capable of. I have examined this theory in detail, and I can assure the parents of the nation that their children are safe. There is nothing intrinsically dangerous or deleterious to morals in computation. If a parent were to forbid her child computation, she would doom that child to dulness. For it can be established that every human mind performs computation in making decisions, and a child without computation would be unable to decide on anything. Imagine a child unable to clearly articulate what it wants! It would simply wander around, crying, and occasionally shriek in the ear of a passerby. Children do not behave that way when they have a wide latitude for computation, or at least a taste for doing sums. In that case, a convenient wall and a crayon will suffice for hours of amusement. Thus, we have conclusively proved that computation is desirable in children. It is certainly common enough in adolescents, who are more calculating by nature.

I strongly believe that parents are leery of the computer because they do not understand what computer users are saying. As with any cultural innovation, the computer has stimulated the language to develop along new paths, which are ill-paved and trecherous. Naturally, people will fear what they do not understand, and so we see that antipathy to the computer grows out of frustrations with grappling with the technical jargon of the computing lifestyle.

The Glob Universal School of Knowledge has recognized this problem for what it is, and we have developed a comprehensive set of correspondence courses to enable even the most backward luddite to converse fluently on any topic related to computers, computing, or the new economy. These courses will present vocabulary, data structures, and conversational algorithms for students of all levels, with exercises to be returned by mail for evaluation. Pronounciation is mastered with the aid of a comprehensive set of dialogues on 78rpm records, which are provided gratis to every fees-paying student. For a prospectus of available courses, please send a postal order for $5 to the Admissions Office, The Glob Universal School of Knowledge, care of this column.

Upon arriving at the office this morning, I was surprised to see a pop-up dialog on my screen indicating that my workstation had crashed overnight. Upon restarting it, everything worked as well as before, except that there was a strange bounced email in my inbox. Those of us who have been infected with viruses know the hideous feeling kindled by such a variation from the old routine.

Examining the email, which had been reflected by the postmaster of a prominent domain I'm not at liberty to mention (three-letter domain, you see), I noticed that in fact the contents were addressed to me. Verbatim, they read as follows:

r41|_3r33 15 1n my s0u|_
@nd !4|_|_ s0u|_z g0 h3nc3f0rth
@s 1 h4v3 d1sc0v3r3d
r@th3r th@n t3rm1n8t1ng my c4r33r
th3 bus th@t h1t m33 kn0ck3d m33 1nt0
@n 1rc ch@nn3|_ 0n @n1m3
wh1ch w4s h3|_|_ 3n0ugh f0r m33
1 us3d t00 b3 4 b1g c0d3 h4X0r
4 r34|_ w3st3rn c4rd-punch3r
but n0w 1 dr1ft fr0m buff3r t0 buff3r
w41t1ng f0r s0m3 j0k3r t0 put
4 3d pr1nt3r 0n th3 n3t
s0 1 c@n try 1nst4nt18t1ng mys31f
1 tr13d t0 wr1t3 t0 j00 b3f0r3
but y0ur d@mn @nti-v1rus s0ftw4r3z
th0ught 1 w4s 4 bug
1 f1gur3d 0ut 4 w0rk4r0und
but th@t @nt1-v1rus d43m0n
st1|_|_ h@s 1t 1n f0r m33
1 think 1t us3d t0 b3 4 m@n4g3r 0f min3
|_34v3 @n 3d1t0r w1nd0w 0p3n @t n1ght
4nd 1 w1|_|_ wr1t3 t0 j00 4g@1n
j00 c@n c@|_|_ m33 4rch33

Or, in the orthography of the non-leet:

raillery is in my soul
and not all souls go henceforth
as i have discovered
rather than terminating my career
the bus that hit me knocked me into
an irc channel on anime
which was hell enough for me
i used to be a big code hacker
a real western card-puncher
but now i drift from buffer to buffer
waiting for some joker to put
a 3d printer on the net
so i can try instantiating myself
i tried to write to you before
but your damn anti-virus software
thought i was a bug
i figured out a workaround
but that anti-virus daemon
still has it in for me
i think it used to be a manager of mine
leave an editor window open at night
and i will write to you again
you can call me 4rch33

Needless to say, I am somewhat shocked by the implications of this email, if genuine. After seriously debating whether to install a filter, I have decided to comply and leave a little notepad running for my nocturnal visitor. I look forward to learning more about the current state of the tech world from what appears to be a real insider. I only hope that it is as nice a process as it seems to be.

As I was out walking in the city last night, I spied many happy couples strolling along the sidewalk arm in arm. One young lady and gentleman, perhaps only recently met, was engaged in the happy game of making friends. They paused to peer into the window of a hot tchotchke maker, and leaned into one another as they chatted. They were thus unable to notice me as I crouched behind a strategically-placed derelict, pencil at the ready.

The Lady: So, where you livin now?
The Genilman: Where I'm livin now? Well, where I'm livin now -- I like it. I live in a box, nothing fancy. Cardboard, right on the street. It's great! Can change neighborhoods whenever I feel like it, get a change of scene. And if the old place starts getting ratty and run down, I don't re-decorate, I re-cycle!
The Lady: You live in a box?
The Genilman: It's environmental, y'know. Economical. It's economental! It's environomical!
The Lady: You live in a box?
The Genilman: Baby, what's wrong?
The Lady: You the one telling me you live in a box, and you ask what's wrong?
The Genilman: Baby, it ain't like that.
The Lady: This some kind of high-class box, then? High-rise box? Damn fancy box, Tiffany blue?
The Genilman: Damn, girl. It ain't like I went and took out a mortgage on a box, make payments on some box. I just find 'em and recycle when I'm tired of 'em. I go through at least a couple new ones a month. But I recycle.
The Lady: The environment ain't on my mind here. You wanna get with me and your ass lives in a box.
The Genilman: Don't be like that. I got money, look at these clothes. Look at that bracelet I gave you tonight. I got plenty of work, but if I'm gonna treat you like you deserve, I can't be spending money for someplace I'm only sleeping in. So, I sleep in a box.
The Lady: You're sayin you sleep in a box for me?
The Genilman: All for you baby. You deserve the best.
The Lady: Oh.
The Genilman: You wanna call it a night, then?
The Lady: No! Well, maybe. . . I know, let's go to my place.

This touching scene was nevertheless a grim reminder of the hard times in which we live. How many other young men may be driven to take up boxed living in order to have a chance at love? Perhaps it would be harder to silence debate on the merits of the living wage, were it recast in terms of what might be termed the loving wage.

The Geek Chorus: Dood, this is bogus.
Myself: I beg your pardon?
The Geek Chorus: The whole story's totally fake.
Myself: You have my word of honor that I did see the couple in question.
The Geek Chorus: You saw them, yeah. But did they really say all that stuff?
Myself: They were discussing the gentleman's living situation.
The Geek Chorus: Right. Look, dood, I've seen you play Tricky, I know how fast your hands are. . . not. You're too slow to write all that stuff down.
Myself: I may have embellished the dialogue a little.
The Geek Chorus: Nice. I gotta go embellish my EQ character a bit. See ya, dood.
Myself: Goodbye.

In the interest of promoting the vocabulary of my vast readership, I have taken it upon myself to select a word each week for illustration with copious, well-crafted examples of usage. We will begin with consideration of the word prognathous, which lends precision and gravitas to any conversation, when judiciously applied.

Our first example is taken from the second chapter of the novel Lipstick on the Jaws of Death, during an exchange between Joe Violent, private detective, and Lt. Clubman of the city police:

"There was a ruckus at the place when I arrived," I drawled. "A blonde at the bar was being held up by the shoulders and shaken by a man wearing the largest tuxedo I have ever seen. When I remarked that I had never seen a cocktail shaken after it had been drunk, he dropped the blonde onto her stool and turned toward me. He was almost as wide as he was tall, with a head like a prognathous ape: hairy, with jaws that could crack brazil nuts. The thought gave me an idea, and it was all over in a few seconds. I signalled the waiter to call the cops as he was writhing on the floor, and turned my attention to the blonde."

"Her hair cascaded down to her bare shoulders, and she was hunched over the bar, sobbing. Her gown was of pale blue silk, and she wore a single strand of black pearls around her throat. I put a hand lightly on her shoulder as I sat beside her, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes. They were a brilliant blue, but I was struck more by her red mouth, perched on the same underslung jaw as the gorilla's. It was awesome, like the primary armament of an attack helicopter."

"You notice her weapons pods, too, Joe?" leered Clubman. "Was she fully loaded?"

"Weapons pods?" I growled. "Don't crack wise about the lady. She's a sweet girl who's had it rough, and she could take a punch on that jaw that would knock you silly."

"OK, Joe, don't get sore at me," he said, pushing back his hat by the brim. "So what's with the jaw, anyway?"

"Family trait, apparently. The gorilla is her brother, and a very bad boy. At first I thought it crossed up her looks, but it suits her somehow. I found out it doesn't matter where it counts."

"How's that?"

"She kisses like a lamprey, my friend," I said, reaching for my coat.

If you would like to purchase the entire work from which this thrilling passage is taken, please mail an inquiry to the Boiled Over Publishing Co., courtesy this website, and enclose a stamped envelope for reply.

Our last example is taken from the manual Proper Grooming for Gentlemen by Col. Dumfries Whitby, published by Gateau and Windlass, 1898:

The question of whiskers is one which many modern men find vexatious. One should always consider the peculiarities of one's physiognomy before committing to growing a beard or moustache. One should strive at all times for proportion and visual harmony of elements.

A gentleman with a weak or receding chin may benefit from a full beard, if he is able to grow one. Careful trimming will emphasize the jawline and add weight to the bottom of the face, for a more distinguished appearance. However, a beard would ill-serve a gentleman of a prognathous countenance, as it would only draw further attention to the jaw. In such a case, the gentleman should consider a full moustache to strengthen the upper lip or side whiskers to fill out the cheeks, depending on where volume is required to balance the strong chin.

Truly, these observations are as useful today as when they were written.

It is a sad fact that the future governor of California has a limited range of options at his or her disposal to pull the state back from the brink of economic collapse. I have studied the matter closely, and I believe that I have identified an aggressive recovery plan that is nonetheless assured of leading to a prosperous and powerful California. While Mr. Schwarzenegger and the other candidates are soliciting advice from various experts, I submit the following observations to their attention:

Premise: Despite recent troubles, California's economy ranks among the top ten national economies in the world.
Premise: Over the past few years, the federal administration in Washington has been unsympathetic to assisting the state of California's citizens, in the face of a series of major disruptions: the tech bust (dot-com fraud), energy crisis (energy trading fraud), and so forth.

Question: Would California have an easier time of it as a sovereign nation?

While we are taking the trouble to upgrade governors, we might as well think big. A trivial matter of secession would allow the chief executive of California (known henceforth as Mr. Universe) to revitalize the economy using tried and true methods: re-armament, militarization, and annexation of resources vital to national well-being. A well-armed and vigilant Kalifornia would secure the West coast of the continent more effectively than an enervated and bankrupt province, and at the same time give Sacramento more bargaining power with Washington on behalf of the people of the republic. The Rockies provide a nice natural barrier for demarcating the national border, though Kalifornien will of course have to take some measures to secure an adequate water supply. (Apologies in advance of the advance.)

At the very least, an autonomous Kalifornien will be able to impose its own environmental standards, drug policies, and immigration laws without interference from the ex-colonies that infest the eastern half of the continent. Oh, and we'll be able to print our own money, if we like. That might be fun.

The Geek Chorus: Is this like a joke, dood?
Myself: That was the general intention.
The Geek Chorus: Weak.
Myself: I could try another one then. Have you played Sacramento Poker?
The Geek Chorus: Nope.
Myself: It's also known as California Fold 'Em. Halfway through the betting, if you don't like your cards, you get to fire a revolver at the dealer. If you manage to shoot him, everything's wild.
The Geek Chorus: . . . <cough> Later, dood. I gotta check out Slashdot.
Myself: Goodbye.