October 2003 Archives

The results of the California recall election continue to reverberate throughout the state and the wider world. A collective fantasy has come true: the entire population of California have been cast as extras in the next exciting Schwarzenegger project. Schwartzenegger himself has finally been given a chance to direct something big, and he has resources and authority at his disposal well beyond anything that Spielberg or Lucas can command. There is a little trouble with the budget and the completion bond, certainly, but there are ways around that.

For example, we can cut some of the auxiliary production units, since it's likely the audience will never notice missing scenes if the effects are solid. Similarly, we can drop some location work in favor of using sound stages. It's cleaner to work on a sound stage anyway-- you don't have to fool with the locals cluttering up a location. Craft services will certainly take a hit, for we can't very well coddle the cast and crew when the production is in jeopardy. Having medics hanging around all the time is obviously wasteful, so the stunt people will have to pucker up and take some more risks. We may have to take a hard look at the union labor contracts, as well.

If we want things done right and on budget, it may make more sense to pack up and shift production to Mexico. A governor can have some real power down there. If California were a Mexican state, it would certainly have more clout with the central government in terms of having its needs addressed. Mexico would not allow an economic engine the size of California to simply languish. Alternatively, the state may be better off on its own.

Nevertheless, not all of the producers of this action-packed spectacular are happy with recent progress. It is somehow unnerving that yet another action hero from the movie Predator has been elected to a governorship. Mr. Ventura was the first to succeed in the venture, appropriately enough. Now Mr. Schwartzenegger has captured a far bigger prize, and even Sonny Landham recently campaigned for the governorship of Kentucky.

I fully expect to see Carl Weathers throw his hat in the ring sometime soon, if the right opportunity presents itself. That would be a glorious day for the country. As we all no doubt remember, Mr. Weathers can handle himself in the ring, and he could be a contender. If he showed up to a gubernatorial debate in the Amercian flag-patterned trunks and robe from Rocky IV, James Brown's "Living in America" blaring from concealed loudspeakers, there would be no need for him to answer any questions in depth. After trading a few quick jabs with his opponents, it would be all over, and the audience would erupt in wild cheers.

Mr. Weathers patriotism is unquestionable — he died for his country, after all. At least, Apollo Creed did. If Mr. Weathers applied the Method when he created that character, we can be assured that the best characteristics of Apollo Creed are indeed characteristics of Mr. Weathers. If elected, Mr. Weathers would bring the same strength of purpose, gift of communication, and punishing right hook to the office that we learned to respect and admire through the countless Rocky sequels.

The name Apollo Creed itself is prophetic: it suggests a powerful belief in poetry, music, and light that could form the basis of a comprehensive and lucrative self-help empire (The Apollo Creed: Day-by-day Discovery of Your Inner Godhood). Such an enterprise would bring enormous benefits to a state, raising the morale and productivity of the citizenry while at the same time raising revenues. I humbly submit Mr. Weathers for consideration as a candidate to any state in the market for a thoroughly modern governor.

Mr. Ventura and Mr. Schwarzenegger have raised the bar for governors around the country. Scrawny, flabby, or elderly governors can no longer compete in 21st century America. If your state does business with California, you need a governor that can go toe-to-toe with Arnie. Mr. Weathers has gone toe-to-toe with the likes of Stallone and Dolph Lundgren — he knows all the moves, and he can get the job done. Remember, friends: A vote for Weathers is a vote for the silver lining of America!

The mood in the headquarters of the Permanent Committee to Recall the Governor was at an all-time high this evening, as reports from the polls made it clear that the recall effort was bound to succeed. Unfortunately, the inevitable celebrations (which are still going on at the time of this writing) have a price. The acting treasurer had feared to leave the funds collected to date for the next recall in a dollar-denominated account, in light of the condition of the currency markets. Unfortunately, he was a little unclear on the exact principles of constructing a sound investment portfolio, and he became carried away by associations he formed with the word portfolio. Long story short, he invested heavily in vintage port. This position is now in danger of being wiped out, as the rest of the committee has found where he hid the bottles.

On the bright side, the election of our new governor brings with it ample opportunites for fresh dissatisfactions to arise. Although it is possible that the state's finanical problems may be solved with an influx of jewels, furs, and precious artifacts from the steppes of Cimmeria, it is not likely. The business community may be convinced that investment in the state and its high-tech workforce is the best means to address the rising influence of Skynet, but it's a tricky sell. All of the film titles drawn upon for cute press items about the candidate (e.g. The Running Man, Total Recall) can cut both ways, and there are other titles, such as Predator, which have fairly unsavory associations.

All in all, the committee believes that the important steps have been taken: the voters of California have recalled a sitting governor, and they have learned how much fun it can be to fire the chief executive of the state. After all, private employers in California stipulate that the terms of employment are at-will, allowing either party to terminate without cause. Why should the government work any differently?

As the new governor takes stock of the state of the state, the Permanent Committee to Recall the Governor will take stock of the state of the governor of the state. The committee aims to promote itself as a clearinghouse for complaints against the administration as well as a central fundraiser for scheduling the next recall. Their mission: To be ready when the rubric meets the road. Their motto: Wir werden züruckkommen.

The Geek Chorus: Dood, maybe you should have stayed on hiatus.
Myself: You're just bitter about Georgy.
The Geek Chorus: Dood!
Myself: I bet you're saving your ballot receipt as a conversation starter. Perhaps you could call to console her on her loss.
The Geek Chorus: . . .
Myself: Have you launched your fan site yet? I'm sure it's a lovely fantasy: dark-horse candidate falls for stalker, marries, and raises a lovely family of stalking horses and dim little ones.
The Geek Chorus: Man! You are in one nasty mood. I'm outta here.
Myself: Goodbye.

The Geek Chorus: Dood! Dood, you there?
Myself: Omnia Galliæ est divisa in partes tres, quarum unam incolunt Belgæ, aliam Aquitani, tertiam ei qui ipso
The Geek Chorus: What?
Myself: rum lingua Celtæ, nostra Galli appel
The Geek Chorus: Dood! Snap out of it!
Myself: lantur, in Cæsar's immortal prose.
The Geek Chorus: DOOD!
Myself: What?
The Geek Chorus: What's with the speaking in tongues, man?
Myself: I was merely beginning in medias res, to heighten the excitement.
The Geek Chorus: Er, whatever. Where were you?
Myself: I was indisposed.
The Geek Chorus: Sounds like one bad burrito.
Myself: Never you mind. Is there something you wanted in particular?
The Geek Chorus: No, no. Just curious, man.
Myself: I see.
The Geek Chorus: I thought the site might be dead.
Myself: Far from it. Our publication strategies, both pro- and retroactive, have never been more ambitious.
The Geek Chorus: ok, cool. Like when will you start?
Myself: I beg your pardon?
The Geek Chorus: The publishing stuff, dood. When will you start?
Myself: Simply consult the page.
The Geek Chorus: Wha- oh. Tricky.
Myself: Only from time to time.

COMMUNIQUE FROM THE PERMANENT COMMITTEE TO RECALL THE GOVERNOR

Fellow citizens of California, we earnestly pray that you will exercise the franchise tomorrow in the service of conscience. We feel confident that regardless of the outcome, our work will go on. At the end of the election, after the votes are counted and the victor declared, we will still have a governor worthy of recalling in the fullness of time. Volunteers interested in helping the committee schedule the next recall election should contact the Volunteer Coordinator, The Permanent Committee to Recall the Governor, in care of the internet. All volunteers are eligible for snacks, as available.