Choice Vocabulary: August 2003 Archives

Rather than dwelling on political topics, I would like to return attention to mining gems from the vocabulary of English that may be employed to add sparkle to any debate. Last week we initiated a program of review of terms of abuse, which I propose to continue through consideration of the fine word cunctator, along with the related words cunctation and cunctative. As with pismire, much of the appeal in these words lies in their pronounciations.

Properly speaking, a cunctator is simply a person engaging in delay or procrastination. This behavior would normally give little scope for insult, regardless of the supposed sinfulness of sloth. However, the word cunctator possesses a ringing sound that conveys powerful, if erroneous, associations to native speakers of English. This allows us to damn delaying behavior as cunctative with significantly more vituperative force than when employing alternate terms, such as dilatory. One feels that whereas a procrastinator shows human weakness, a cunctator is practically a moral degenerate. At least, such a feeling exists if one isn't sure of the meaning of the word, and happily this term is rare enough that most people have no idea what it means.

Our first example is taken from the pages of the tawdry thriller Glottal Stop, in which detective Joe Violent is explaining the results of his investigation to his client, the chantootsie Frieda Frick (nee Frikativna):

"I'm afraid I have bad news for you, toots," I said, looking at my shoes. "I know why Jimbo doesn't come around anymore."

She was sitting on the edge of the sofa, trembling, an embroidered hankerchief knotted in her hands. I looked up to meet her eyes, black and red and fearing the worst. She swallowed. "Go on," she said.

"He's a cunctator," I said. She gasped. I opened the envelope and spread the pictures out on the coffee table. "It's all here in the pictures. The guy takes twenty minutes to walk a block, what with reading ads, window shopping, and stopping in every joint on the way for a cup of coffee or a beer. He's hopeless."

I looked to see how she was doing. She was taking it pretty hard, sitting rigidly as she stared at the pictures. Swallowing back tears, she managed, "He's, he's, one of those?"

"Yeah," I said. "What mystifies me is how he could have ever had it together enough to start anything with a knockout like you." It was a cheap pass, but in my line of business, you can't afford to let opportunities slip by.

"He's changed," she said. "At first, everything was perfect, and then he kept suggested we do… things together. Like showing up at the movies twenty minutes after the show has started, or keeping out library books for months on end. I did them, I loved him! I thought it was just a phase… Oh my God! A cunctator! I feel… dirty."

"It's a tough break all right," I said, "but you'll be fine. It's not contagious, as far as the doctors can tell. You still work regularly, right?"

"Of course," she said, her eyes wide and frightened.

"Then you've got nothing to worry about, except settling your bill in a timely fashion," I said. I told myself that a hard line was the best medicine, even though every fiber of my body wanted to take her in my arms. I decided that the sweet stuff could wait, maybe forever.

Our next example shows how cunctator may be used to unbalance an interlocutor and evoke an inappropriately emotional response. This tactic can be a source of immense satisfaction.

The Press: Senator, can you elaborate on your plans to bring your defense spending proposals in line with expected revenues?
Sen. Bumpus: I'm afraid it would be premature to comment on these matters. The budget office has yet to provide final numbers to my committee.
The Press: Yes, but isn't it unlikely for the final estimates to be very different from the preliminary estimates?
Sen. Bumpus: Since the estimates are not final, discussion of this matter is simply premature.
The Press: There are those who would construe your reticence as little more than cunctation.
Sen. Bumpus: I beg your pardon?
The Press: Several parties in the administration have labeled you a notorious cunctator.
Sen. Bumpus: This is outrageous! I have never stooped to personal attacks in my campaigns, and I will be damned if I'm going to allow this blatant libel. I demand to know your sources! Which of those slimy hacks has dared to call my manhood into question? This interview is over!

When employing these terms, it is important to recognize so-called 'false friends,' words that sound similar but possess very different meanings. One such word is cunctipotent, which sounds particularly fearsome. It is a synonym for omnipotent and is recommented for usage in prayers and dialogues such as the following:

The Lady: And another thing, you may be taking Viagra, but you are far from cunctipotent!
The Genilman: Jesus, baby!
The Lady: Exactly.

I hope that you will not delay in utilizing these words at the earliest opportunity. The language will be the richer for it.

Continuing our review of useful words that have been unjustly neglected, we will examine a few words that may be employed to abuse friends, neighbors, and passers-by in a tasteful, classic fashion. These terms have been culled from the extensive vocabulary utilized by subscribers to the Fiendster system, presented in the previous feature. If you have not already signed up for a Fiendster account, I urge you to do so. Our subscriber base already contains thousands of satisfied users, many of whom are no doubt inimical to your interests. Do not underestimate the satisfaction of seeing a nicely-rendered network of enemies arrayed against you: ignorance is far from bliss in matters of import.

Our first word is pismire. This is simply an older term for the common ant, but it has the advantage of sounding far more foul. It can be used as a simple epithet, or in conjunction with intensifying adjectives, in a wide variety of social situations.

The Genilman: C'mere baby.
The Lady: Do I know you?
The Genilman: Baby, don't be like that. Gimme some sugar.
The Lady: Unhand me, you insolent pismire!

This excellent word is equally applicable to serious intellectual and political debate.

The Press: Senator, are you personally disappointed that the Bumpus-Razorback bill died in committee?
Sen. Bumpus: I certainly had been looking forward to a full debate on the merits of this measure on the Senate floor, but rest assured that I will redraft the bill in time for the next Congressional session. We will not be deterred in granting the citizens of this country protection from the horrors of forced education.
The Press: So the fight isn't over, Senator?
Sen. Bumpus: Over? Far from it. The intellectual pismires of academe may have won the first round, but their opposition will prove short-lived and ultimately futile. The children of our nation must be free - free to leave school and go to work when the family, the precious, nuclear family that we hold sacred, sees fit. No government has a right to meddle in basic family economic affairs.
The Press: Thank you, Senator.

If you wish, you can also apply this term to the colonial insects that habitually infest gardens and lawns, although it seems slightly unfair. I don't imagine that E. O. Wilson of Harvard would have been quite as successful with his compedious survey of ant species if he had happened to title the volume The Pismires. Science's loss is our gain, at least in this case.

In the interest of promoting the vocabulary of my vast readership, I have taken it upon myself to select a word each week for illustration with copious, well-crafted examples of usage. We will begin with consideration of the word prognathous, which lends precision and gravitas to any conversation, when judiciously applied.

Our first example is taken from the second chapter of the novel Lipstick on the Jaws of Death, during an exchange between Joe Violent, private detective, and Lt. Clubman of the city police:

"There was a ruckus at the place when I arrived," I drawled. "A blonde at the bar was being held up by the shoulders and shaken by a man wearing the largest tuxedo I have ever seen. When I remarked that I had never seen a cocktail shaken after it had been drunk, he dropped the blonde onto her stool and turned toward me. He was almost as wide as he was tall, with a head like a prognathous ape: hairy, with jaws that could crack brazil nuts. The thought gave me an idea, and it was all over in a few seconds. I signalled the waiter to call the cops as he was writhing on the floor, and turned my attention to the blonde."

"Her hair cascaded down to her bare shoulders, and she was hunched over the bar, sobbing. Her gown was of pale blue silk, and she wore a single strand of black pearls around her throat. I put a hand lightly on her shoulder as I sat beside her, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes. They were a brilliant blue, but I was struck more by her red mouth, perched on the same underslung jaw as the gorilla's. It was awesome, like the primary armament of an attack helicopter."

"You notice her weapons pods, too, Joe?" leered Clubman. "Was she fully loaded?"

"Weapons pods?" I growled. "Don't crack wise about the lady. She's a sweet girl who's had it rough, and she could take a punch on that jaw that would knock you silly."

"OK, Joe, don't get sore at me," he said, pushing back his hat by the brim. "So what's with the jaw, anyway?"

"Family trait, apparently. The gorilla is her brother, and a very bad boy. At first I thought it crossed up her looks, but it suits her somehow. I found out it doesn't matter where it counts."

"How's that?"

"She kisses like a lamprey, my friend," I said, reaching for my coat.

If you would like to purchase the entire work from which this thrilling passage is taken, please mail an inquiry to the Boiled Over Publishing Co., courtesy this website, and enclose a stamped envelope for reply.

Our last example is taken from the manual Proper Grooming for Gentlemen by Col. Dumfries Whitby, published by Gateau and Windlass, 1898:

The question of whiskers is one which many modern men find vexatious. One should always consider the peculiarities of one's physiognomy before committing to growing a beard or moustache. One should strive at all times for proportion and visual harmony of elements.

A gentleman with a weak or receding chin may benefit from a full beard, if he is able to grow one. Careful trimming will emphasize the jawline and add weight to the bottom of the face, for a more distinguished appearance. However, a beard would ill-serve a gentleman of a prognathous countenance, as it would only draw further attention to the jaw. In such a case, the gentleman should consider a full moustache to strengthen the upper lip or side whiskers to fill out the cheeks, depending on where volume is required to balance the strong chin.

Truly, these observations are as useful today as when they were written.