It is a sad fact that the future governor of California has a limited range of options at his or her disposal to pull the state back from the brink of economic collapse. I have studied the matter closely, and I believe that I have identified an aggressive recovery plan that is nonetheless assured of leading to a prosperous and powerful California. While Mr. Schwarzenegger and the other candidates are soliciting advice from various experts, I submit the following observations to their attention:
Premise: Despite recent troubles, California’s economy ranks among the top ten national economies in the world.
Premise: Over the past few years, the federal administration in Washington has been unsympathetic to assisting the state of California’s citizens, in the face of a series of major disruptions: the tech bust (dot-com fraud), energy crisis (energy trading fraud), and so forth.
Question: Would California have an easier time of it as a sovereign nation?
While we are taking the trouble to upgrade governors, we might as well think big. A trivial matter of secession would allow the chief executive of California (known henceforth as Mr. Universe) to revitalize the economy using tried and true methods: re-armament, militarization, and annexation of resources vital to national well-being. A well-armed and vigilant Kalifornia would secure the West coast of the continent more effectively than an enervated and bankrupt province, and at the same time give Sacramento more bargaining power with Washington on behalf of the people of the republic. The Rockies provide a nice natural barrier for demarcating the national border, though Kalifornien will of course have to take some measures to secure an adequate water supply. (Apologies in advance of the advance.)
At the very least, an autonomous Kalifornien will be able to impose its own environmental standards, drug policies, and immigration laws without interference from the ex-colonies that infest the eastern half of the continent. Oh, and we’ll be able to print our own money, if we like. That might be fun.
The Geek Chorus: Is this like a joke, dood?
Myself: That was the general intention.
The Geek Chorus: Weak.
Myself: I could try another one then. Have you played Sacramento Poker?
The Geek Chorus: Nope.
Myself: It’s also known as California Fold ‘Em. Halfway through the betting, if you don’t like your cards, you get to fire a revolver at the dealer. If you manage to shoot him, everything’s wild.
The Geek Chorus: . . . <cough> Later, dood. I gotta check out Slashdot.
Myself: Goodbye.