Despite some recent good news, it is difficult to take a long look at the current economic situation without resorting to the flask. In an attempt to find a new means of stimulating growth, analysts at The Glob Ventures Group have been mulling on the business opportunities inherent in uncomfortable truths about human nature. Their task is difficult: all of the principal human vices are unfortunately being exploited to the limits of their productive capacity, and there is fierce competition from all quarters to promote new vicious pastimes. However, a comparative study of radio programs in the AM band has established that people will be people, which means that they will loathe a certain proportion of their fellow humans and be loathed in return. The problem facing most folks is keeping track of their enemies in a robust, scalable fashion. After all, everyone needs to keep friends close and enemies closer. It is altogether too easy to lose track of important, undying enmities given the pace of modern life, which inevitably leads to embarrassment.
Seizing on this problem, The Glob Ventures Group contracted with technologists at Glob Labs to pioneer a solution. After the investment of considerable sums and man-years of effort, we are proud to announce the availability of Fiendster, a simple, yet powerful, Web-based service that allows you to keep track of your enemies from anywhere you happen to be. The Fiendster system, now in limited release, is far superior to the traditional means of maintaining awareness of your enemies. For example, think of the wall space currently devoted to all those pictures of people you could do without. Think of how many attractive photo calendars you could be displaying instead, not to mention the storage space you’ll recover from disposing of all those effigies in your to-be-burned pile.
Simply log into Fiendster and enter the personal details of those persons whose existence is most threatening to your own. The system will match these profiles with profiles entered by other subscribers, and you will immediately see a network of people who have enemies in common with you. In accordance with the proverb ‘an enemy of my enemy is my friend’, you could utilize this information in pursuit of building friendships of convenience. However, the Fiendster FAQ strongly advises against being optimistic in this matter, as our subscribers tend to be of a suspicious and vindictive disposition. Rather, think of the enemies of your enemies as potential pawns, to be used and sacrificed as circumstances demand. That’s the Fiendster way!
Glob Labs is working diligently to bring the Fiendster service to a quality level adequate for general release, but there have been setbacks. A conspiracy hatched among members of the beta test group against certain product managers resulted in a few hospitalizations, resulting in lost time and a modicum of litigation. In addition, we are pained to discover that the logical domain name for our service has been hijacked to promote an inferior product. Rest assured that we will not be deterred by these difficulties. We shall not rest until the benefits of Fiendster are available to the world. In the meantime, The Glob Ventures Group is making a sale of equity in the venture in anticipation of the official launch. Don’t miss this opportunity to invest in the latest internet phenomenon! Write for a prospectus to Investor Relations, The Glob Ventures Group, care of this column.