Each week, the readers of this feature astonish me with their generosity. Words fail to describe the rich and costly gifts that regularly appear at The Glob’s offices, unbidden. Rest assured that I do not personally profit from these gestures of goodwill: all the received goods are donated to needy members of the editorial staff. Weak advertising revenues have led to abysmal rates of pay for the rank and file at The Glob, and these donations are therefore critical for maintaining production.
Starving men cannot safely operate the enormous steam-driven difference engines that provide worldwide, around-the-clock access to The Glob’s many features. I cannot bear to write another letter of condolence to a young bride, whose fiancé sacrificed his health to meet deadline after deadline, only to be denied permission to marry. At the same time, I cannot risk making any more widows: marriage is impossible for any employee of The Glob, including myself. Our work is too perilous, and too necessary.
Since we cannot afford to be generous to ourselves, we appreciate the support of our readership all the more. As a token of this appreciation, The Glob has secured a special benefit for our readers, in conjunction with the good spirits at the Celestial Sentinel Corporation. For a limited time, Celestial Sentinel is prepared to offer preferential rates on soul insurance policies to any Glob reader, regardless of righteousness. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to obtain or increase coverage for your most important personal asset at a bargain price.
Now, many people quibble when the subject of soul insurance is broached. Life insurance has unquestionable value, since life on this planet is undoubtedly precarious. However, most people feel secure in the possession of their souls, thinking that it is simply impossible for them to be lost except by deliberate sale. Nothing could be further from the truth. Statistics show that the accidental loss of souls is an common occurrence in certain industries, and over the last few years it has become much more prevalent in the workforce as a whole .
For example, consider the fate of lawyers in this country. The stereotyped view of lawyers selling their souls for power and pelf is generally false: most lawyers never enter into direct negotiations with the infernal. Nevertheless, an astonishing proportion of lawyers end their lives as soulless things. The very business of pursuing the law in this country has a leaching effect on the psyche, such that a bright soul gradually becomes tarnished and corroded by the stresses of billing hours, making associate, making partner, and winning at any cost, be it in the courtroom, the boardroom, or the voting booth.
However, the legal profession is far from the only occupation that carries risks for the souls of its practicioners. During the internet boom of the late 1990’s, thousands of impressionable young people embarked on brief soul-destroying careers in dotcom companies. Today, they still struggle to find gainful employment, or else while away their hours in low-paying drudgery. These legions of the disillusioned have sustained lasting damage to their psyches, and the damage continues. However, severance and unemployment insurance offer no adequate recompense for their losses.
Even professionals that have remained employed through the economic downturn are reporting that their jobs are leaching away their spirits at unprecedented rates. With every compromise, every sacrifice of self for the grey corporate good, the temptation to vice and active evil grows within the most stalwart, upstanding workers. What begins with stealing office supplies or websurfing during business hours can end with embezzlement, fraud, the bottle, and the pipe. However, if you have taken the precaution of having adequate insurance on your soul, you needn’t suffer forever for your mistakes.
I urge every reader of The Glob to carefully review his or her existing policies and consider taking up Celestial Sentinel on their generous offer. As an extra benefit, a portion of the premiums for new policies will go to The Glob Relief Fund for indigent editors, enabling you to help the underprivileged at the same time as you help yourself.