The results of the California recall election continue to reverberate throughout the state and the wider world. A collective fantasy has come true: the entire population of California have been cast as extras in the next exciting Schwarzenegger project. Schwartzenegger himself has finally been given a chance to direct something big, and he has resources and authority at his disposal well beyond anything that Spielberg or Lucas can command. There is a little trouble with the budget and the completion bond, certainly, but there are ways around that.
For example, we can cut some of the auxiliary production units, since it’s likely the audience will never notice missing scenes if the effects are solid. Similarly, we can drop some location work in favor of using sound stages. It’s cleaner to work on a sound stage anyway– you don’t have to fool with the locals cluttering up a location. Craft services will certainly take a hit, for we can’t very well coddle the cast and crew when the production is in jeopardy. Having medics hanging around all the time is obviously wasteful, so the stunt people will have to pucker up and take some more risks. We may have to take a hard look at the union labor contracts, as well.
If we want things done right and on budget, it may make more sense to pack up and shift production to Mexico. A governor can have some real power down there. If California were a Mexican state, it would certainly have more clout with the central government in terms of having its needs addressed. Mexico would not allow an economic engine the size of California to simply languish. Alternatively, the state may be better off on its own.
Nevertheless, not all of the producers of this action-packed spectacular are happy with recent progress. It is somehow unnerving that yet another action hero from the movie Predator has been elected to a governorship. Mr. Ventura was the first to succeed in the venture, appropriately enough. Now Mr. Schwartzenegger has captured a far bigger prize, and even Sonny Landham recently campaigned for the governorship of Kentucky.
I fully expect to see Carl Weathers throw his hat in the ring sometime soon, if the right opportunity presents itself. That would be a glorious day for the country. As we all no doubt remember, Mr. Weathers can handle himself in the ring, and he could be a contender. If he showed up to a gubernatorial debate in the Amercian flag-patterned trunks and robe from Rocky IV, James Brown’s “Living in America” blaring from concealed loudspeakers, there would be no need for him to answer any questions in depth. After trading a few quick jabs with his opponents, it would all be over, and the audience would erupt in wild cheers.
Mr. Weathers patriotism is unquestionable — he died for his country, after all. At least, Apollo Creed did. If Mr. Weathers applied the Method when he created that character, we can be assured that the best characteristics of Apollo Creed are indeed characteristics of Mr. Weathers. If elected, Mr. Weathers would bring the same strength of purpose, gift of communication, and punishing right hook to the office that we learned to respect and admire through the countless Rocky sequels.
The name Apollo Creed itself is prophetic: it suggests a powerful belief in poetry, music, and light that could form the basis of a comprehensive and lucrative self-help empire (The Apollo Creed: Day-by-day Discovery of Your Inner Godhood). Such an enterprise would bring enormous benefits to a state, raising the morale and productivity of the citizenry while at the same time raising revenues. I humbly submit Mr. Weathers for consideration as a candidate to any state in the market for a thoroughly modern governor.
Mr. Ventura and Mr. Schwarzenegger have raised the bar for governors around the country. Scrawny, flabby, or elderly governors can no longer compete in 21st century America. If your state does business with California, you need a governor that can go toe-to-toe with Arnie. Mr. Weathers has gone toe-to-toe with the likes of Stallone and Dolph Lundgren — he knows all the moves, and he can get the job done. Remember, friends: A vote for Weathers is a vote for the silver lining of America!