The proprietors of this feature strenuously deny all of the recent stories fabricated by the popular press to explain our recent hiatus in publication. If our principal editors were in fact serving time for contributing to the delinquency of the language, we would be happy to fire them and procure new ones having no illicit fondness for the mother tongue.
We also would have thoroughly enjoyed the various benders, orgies, drug-fueled sprees, and absorbing bouts of meditation that have been variously ascribed to us. Unfortunately, none of these exciting and profound events actually transpired. Simple pressure of business has kept us from the weighty literary essays that enliven this page, and we are now pleased to announce that this business has concluded satisfactorily.
The * Glob has completed negotiations to acquire an adjective, which we display with pride. We have great hopes that this modifier will distinguish our publication in an increasingly-crowded marketplace.
This investment in our marque gives the lie to those critics who have ascribed our brief pause in production to slack and indolence. We have been industrious in the best tradition of the new global economy. Were the correspondence not proprietary and confidential, we would be happy to publish the millions of words exchanged with our lawyers and bankers on the topic of our recent acquisition.
As it is, we will let the change speak for itself. Good evening.